Okay, this post will literally make no sense. It just sort of happened. I was in the process of writing a serious post and then I had an inexplicable urge to write “GOOSE” randomly and repeatedly throughout everything I was saying. So I just thought, “Fuck it, I’m going write whatever comes to mind, as incoherent as it may be.” Well, here is the result, a pure stream of consciousness. As I had a thought, I wrote it down. The only editing was a quick skim to correct spelling and some grammar. No, this did not involve any drug use! I am entirely sober, so here ya GO!
A daisy, a catastrophe. Have you ever seen a squirrel eat corn? They love it, they munch it, it’s tasty. A flower in the sky, Why does it share a pie? A what, a flower. Why monkey, do you need no grass? It has a face, a cat, each day. It’s my friend, it has no wind. A what, a cow, have you ever seen it through? A pickle in my hand. A frisbee in the wind, what it goes there like a bus. Oranges yay, why up there may I so might. A good flight up in the air with boomerangs, planes, cats, and kittens. I have socks, a monkey gay, wishes, flying cats, flaps cracks in a bird, and a bird with crack. Why do flowers have windows? I saw a cat on the roof. It has two shoes, I think it lost its other two. Flippers, donkeys, and squirrels for lunch. A taco, beef, a steak, a light. Sunlight, flight, shoes, my hand is in the sand. What 4 why 4 if only 3 i mean don’t eight. Happy clocks. Lying on the beach with flies. Leprechaun, leprechauns, they’re not for rent. Hey do you keep eating roots? They’re not for you, they eat the squirrels. Have what a beat? A flow, bomb, bong, song, wrong, hong, dong, kong, long. HA! I ate a rainbow. It ate the plane, a squirrel with a cat, it likes the mink. No don’t share a wink. No no no! don’t smoke or dash, with wine I dine. French I speak, with sassy stew. A fly no cash to sue!
Keep it off the flower, it doesn’t share its dirt for free. It’s not fair and not with soup! SOUP! FLUTES! Fuck yea, a goose. Monkeys on the roof fuck them they don’t have to loot. My socks are red. Fuck green, it’s gay. I like my socks, they’re made of whey. The leaf is green it has a dot, it’s not of ink. An ant it eats. The leaf engulfs the ant, my friend. It has no teeth, and here I freak, because it has the ant to eat. Ha! A dolphin flies. It has no coat, I think I see it has a hat. The hat is new, and orange, a truly clever cat. It has a friend with me asap.
Don’t share your fruit with a moose, they don’t like lemon juice. In the sky, why acorns? Don’t think this week, it’s not for use. If squirrels shake hands, have they made a deal? When did you last enjoy some celery? Was it spiced and flavored with rice and mice. Keep the maggots out of the vegetables, they’re best in the stew. Hats are kosher, they fit a Jew. A dainty, a bounty, a hipster with brew. Flying in the air is not like tin cans. When did Oscar eat Ernie? Have you ever seen Oscar drink juice? Why don’t donkeys and caribou get along? What if they shook hands and shared a nice brew? If lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my, had a date with a shrew, would the shrew share some Elmer’s glue? If gooses eat socks, do they like ice cream too? Why do lions chase houses? I don’t think it’s cool, they should have better things to do. This one time a lion chased after my house. My house was too slow and couldn’t keep up. It first got my garage, then got the rest of it too. Fuck yea, I got out, and my cat did too. Unfortunately, it did get the squirrels who play poker in my living room. I was pissed, my cat it cried, it was a sad day without an inside.
My cat liked to play gin with these squirrels, and it would usually win. Be careful playing games with squirrels, they don’t usually win, and they carry rabies too. My cat can’t get rabies, it was injected with a secret formula. Unfortunately, I can get rabies, so my cat told me to lose to the squirrels. This was good advice, because they are indeed very sore losers. I think their memory is bad. I got bored pretty quick, and invited them to have a smoke. We smoked rosemary, lemons, and pickles, and one squirrel then died. My squirrel friends were mad, so they would not share their igloo. It was too hot outside, so their igloo melted anyway, but I did not like the gesture, I figured it was rude. They were still cool squirrels regardless. My cat once lent one a pair of shoes. But now those squirrels are eaten, inside of a walrus. Wait it was a lion. How did a lion find my house? Some things I may never know.
Do lawn chairs speak English? I’ve seen a monkey that spoke English. Well, it wasn’t very clear English. His name was Curious George and he even became president of the United States. Who was Abraham Lincoln, why didn’t he wear pink shoes? What has four legs, a tail, and bites? MAMMALS! They fucking bite, so you should be careful. I bite, I fight, I smight, I write, I love to fly a kite. Kites don’t have wings, they have magic. Have you ever seen an elephant that likes to eat with chopsticks? They don’t have forks, or sporks, or knives, so hey it’s cool. What if cats had rights? Do you think they’d vote with good foresight? Friends, family, there are dishes to do. Why don’t we all just get a goose to do them? A kitchen goose is a silly sight. A goose that’s loose with a flute is not a good sight. Why does pepper eat rice? What the fuck, why does pepper eat rice? It tastes good, motherfucker, rice tastes good. I like rice. I like to treat it with spice. Nutmeg, yum. A delight on a rainy day.
Why do cats sometimes look for a fight. I have seen such a sight. I saw sunshine one day. I was out in the hay. Barrels of onions and rabbits that said yay.
Carry a lantern, it’s good for the night, for you might need extra sight. Farmland sits under the night. Chickens and donkeys never sit tight. Additionally, they do not wear tights. Never trust a goat in lingerie. Lingerie is for SHARKS. Fuck yea! A shark in a fishnet is an unpleasant sight. Why does wind blow? Where is my kite? Do you enjoy sunny daylight? HA! Tacos. Don’t go to Waco. The roof is on fire. Don’t get any water, it’s best if it burns. Burn roof, burn. This party is tight. DJ, can you play something gay? Safety Dance, let’s dance through the day. My cat is scared of sharks. Don’t let them into my house. They will try to trick you. One time, one told me it was a dolphin, and it just wanted to lounge in my swimming pool. I let it in, and we shared a margarita. It was a lot of fun, until I realized I had been tricked! I told him, that I do not share my house with sharks that I’ve been tricked before. He said he was sad but understood. I gave him a few dollars to grab a sandwich at the local deli. I told him which one severed sharks, and he said it was cool. He called me later and said, “Hey, it’s Fred, the hammerhead you shared a drink with last night. I just wanted to say thanks, and I appreciate your courtesy.” HAAA! He was a cool shark though, and if ever there was a shark I would be friends with, it would be him. Does that make me a racist? But ya know, it’s cool to have at least one shark friend. One time I saw a group of sharks sharing cantaloupe in the sea. I asked them where they found the cantaloupe as I’d never seen any in the sea. They said they found them on a pirate ship. I said you stole from the pirates? They said they enjoyed the irony.
Have you even seen a billy goat sew clothes? They’re pretty good. They’re color blind, however, so make sure you label everything. You don’t want them to mix up your clothes, ya know. Why does sunshine fly through windows? Have you ever seen a lolcat? Word on the street is they like cheeseburgers. I can’t let them into my house then! Silly lolcats. This is why I prefer a regular cat. The cat discovered electricity. I discovered the airplane. Charles Darwin built the first airplane. Will Wright is a software developer. Do you sleep with a calculator? It’s a good idea; you might have to do math. I do, if only as a precaution. I never died in my sleep, but if I do, my calculator shall come with me. Why do geese eat tacos? Bonobos! There’s one on my chimney. Fuck yea, a bulldog’s on my roof. It’s sharing a cheeseburger with a lolcat. That’s not cool. My house must be kosher. Get it down. Get me an eagle. I want a bald one. Eat the bulldog. quick! We must sacrifice the cheeseburger. Where am I?
What has many rings and lives in the sky? Saturn does. HA! GEESE! I SEE THEM! CATCH THEM! Fuck yes! I love geese. Why can’t daisies and sunflowers get along? What if they played dominoes? Why not backgammon? Celery is abundant on Saturn! Sea creatures don’t eat hay, you silly little girl. Sunlight exhibits both the properties of waves and particles. I want to catch sunlight! I want to put it in a vase and put a cork in it. When I open the vase, all the sunlight will come out. Don’t let sand get in the vase. Only sunlight. Cactii don’t have brains, you know. Feet! I want to see one with feet. Can you catch a butterfly? They don’t taste like butter. They taste more like margarine. Have you ever shared tea with a giraffe? They don’t make very good conversationalists. The one I had tea with preferred Earl Gray. He was also a ninja and a raver. He asked me if I had any lsd. I said, silly giraffe, lsd is for kids. Do gators drink Gatorade? Cool aid is awesome.
I want to give a loaf of bread to a flamingo. He would probably be appreciative. But it would be a trick. I would throw him a loaf of bread while he had a fish. Then I would run at him as soon as I threw it, and steal his fish! HA! If the fish weren’t kosher, however, I would return it. It’s obviously inappropriate to steal fish which aren’t kosher. MOUNTAINS! Did you know they were formed from shifts in the tetonic plates? Do clocks go in reverse in the Southern Hemisphere? Blasphemy! Don’t tell me you did that! Never play dice with a black bear. Sometimes they’ll forget about the game and just eat you. I never found the lion that ate my house. I have found new squirrels to be friends with, however. WHY! WHY don’t I have a helicopter? I wish I could think of more uses for shoes. Have you ever seen a sock that had places for toes? They’re called toe socks. I call them parasocks. I want a parachute. Dolphins don’t eat grass. I always fry my vegetables with cheese, and I want the milkman to deliver my milk. Frosty sandwiches are the norm in igloos.
One time I gave a hippopotamus a sandwich and it barked at me. What kind of disrespect is that? I’m never giving a hippopotamus free food again. Squirrels are awesome. Sharks have too many teeth, they’re rather scary. It’s sad when animals die. They are my friends. Life is badass, really. The purpose of life seems to be only that of life itself. Every time I throw a boomerang, it never comes back. Mischief occurs in shades of yellow. It’s a really cool thing to share toothpaste with penguins. They usually give it back and have good manners. Bricks have parents too. They are called rocks. Don’t eat chalk. Talcum powder is probably worse. You may choke, so I would advise being careful. Never eat Christmas lights. They will electrocute you. Once I kissed a frog. It turned into a princess. I asked her if she liked jackhammers. She said she’d never used one, but would give one a try In that moment, our eyes connected, and everything felt so right. We decided to go jackhammering. We snuck around the city and jackhammered everywhere. Word on the street was that we had done millions of dollars in damage. City roads were torn up and chaos ensued. When dawn arose, she told me she had to go home to feed her squirrel. We planned to meet in secret at a later date.
Did you know that squares have four sides? No I did not! I thought they had three. I used to think triangles were squares and circles were octagons. Don’t give him the stick. Get him off my lawn. How did he get on my lawn anyway? I live in Antarctica. I bought an island offshore Antarctica, but nobody visits me since it’s too cold. Paradise, my ass. Some islands are cooler than others, I guess. I guess I shouldn’t have gone discount island shopping. Don’t do that! My cat doesn’t drink coffee, fool. Have you ever seen a goose that couldn’t swim? I don’t think he would live very long. Silver dollars are quite silvery. Mongoose! Where? At three o’clock, toss it a flashlight? Why a flashlight? Mongooses (wtf) don’t have good eyesight. Stop, don’t lose your coral. That was expensive.
Okay, i think I should stop now, that penguin challenged me to a new game of backgammon. What a cool penguin, he just lent me some shampoo. Bulldogs, fuck yea! A toast to a peregrine. What, why? Just don’t forget to have milk with your toast. Flamingos are at my door again. Oh no! They have books in their beaks. Mormon flamingos? Oh boy, I guess they want to talk. Don’t be so jaded. Oh, it’s okay, they just wanted to play cards. Silly birds.